Fuck Wanker "Society"

Society. Such a fucked-up phrase, right? I guess 'society' is, well, us.
Seeing as though we've established what 'society' is, society fucks us up. So fucking much. They say that when you see something unusual such as someone "ugly" or "disabled" etc. that the first you think is what you've been conditioned to think, and the next thing you think is what you actually think. I hope that's true. We're tricked into thinking what 'society' thinks so we can be 'normal'. But it's all fuck shit. I write "ugly" and "disabled" in quotes because what the fuck? What even is ugly? I really don't understand, there are all these magazines and tv shows that tell us that a "pretty person" is skinny and perfect, but if we weren't told that, what would we think? We are all beautiful people if we choose to be. Disabled people? Sure they may be physically/mentally disabled but what the fuck does that matter? Technically I'm mentally disabled due to having depression, but what difference does that make? I feel so much shitter than "normal" people feel (apparently, fuck me I have no idea what normal people are like, I'm so fucked up) but does that mean I'm not normal?

Fucking hell I have no idea what I'm saying right now. Just, we're all fucked. Fuck appearances. Everything is different yet the same inside.

Fuck Happy

I envy those who can go through life being honestly happy.
I admire them.
I am amazed at them.

I can't even remember what true, uninhibited happiness feels like. That may sound like an over-exaggeration but it's seriously not. I honestly can't remember how I used to feel before I became depressed as fuck. Depression seems to have that effect on you (or on me, I won't pretend to know how it feels for others who have depression) where you legitimately can't remember the times before you were depressed. Depression takes over your mind, and ruins you. I fucking hate it when people say "Sweetie, it's all in your head, you can think your way out of this." You don't think I've fucking tried? I've fucking tried, I have. But now I'm to the point where I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to get out of this. I don't want to be better. I just DON'T CARE. So don't cry for me, because this is how I choose to be, and this is how I will be.

Right. Willpower.

So I'm drunk and I decided to make a blog. Apparently writing about your feelings makes you feel better, so here the fuck goes. I have depression, I take antidepressants which do literally nothing. I've been taking them for about a year now and I've just gotten worse since I started.

I had a conversation with my friend once, I told him that I can't just will myself out of this depression, and he said, yes you can. What fucking bullshit. It's been over a year now, don't you think I would have 'willed' myself out of this by now if I could? Trust me, I fucking would have. I've fucking tried. But willpower doesn't work. Nothing works. Depression isn't just something that you can come back from. Depression is something that fucks you over forever.